Is there anything we can do or anything we can try to gain back the trust that's been lost? Sorry about my bluntness. But it's time to start working on finding what you need to do to meet the challenges of the post-graduate world. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months. I'm in love with him, and I love him, it's the same for him.
We're both 22, I graduate in May, and I am going to need to make some serious decisions where I will move, where I will work, etc whereas he once again has failed a year and will be in school for at least another three years because of a case of severe panic attack disorder where for a long time he was unable to attend classes and function normally, except that since starting our relationship he has started to feel much better.
He has a really hard time talking about the future, even talking about the near future as in three months from now. He has feelings for me, he loves me, he cares about me, but I wonder whether I should stay in this relationship or not especially when he says that talking about staying together forever is "a scary thing to think about".
He even had a female best friend for years who eventually abandoned him when he got sick and eventually stopped talking to him and it seems as if he cares way too much about her even when it is obvious that she doesn't care at all about him, and they even had nicknames for one another "man of my life" "woman of my life" that apparently "meant nothing" when he ended up still using it after we had already been dating for a couple weeks.
I was getting more and more aggravated by this girl whom he hasnt seen in over a year because it was like he couldn't let go of her and finally I put down my foot and said it was either me and her and that he had to choose which one to keep in his life especially since he kept saying that he didn't care at all about her and so I said that in that case he shouldn't have any problem cutting all ties with her on social media and via text since they hadnt exchanged any words as in texts since months ago and so he threw a huge fit and eventually afterwards promised me that this one girl would disappear completely from his life but also said that I didn't deserve him doing this for me, although it has been me who has been there for him these past 8 months while he's been going through his mental health crisis, his various problems with school, appartment, etc.
I have been there for him every day, I have supported him and cared about him, tried to help him and encourage him, have done nothing to make him jealous etc. I know that my own extreme jealousy and controlling nature are my own bad qualities and that I need to work on them but I cant help but ask myself what is the point of me continuing in this relationship if he doesn't know if he wants me for the long run.
I would want to be able to move in with him in about another year or so, but at this point I'm not even sure what his answer would be. Sometimes I wonder if it's just the fact that his present and future are so uncertain and because hes under a lot of stress because of school and his mental health and not that he's uncertain of me. But I don't want to, for example, be with him for another year or 5 and then have him say that in fact I'm not the one for him. I'd be left feeling that I have wasted my time and life for him.
I feel so hopeless and desperate, and I just don't know what to do. Without him I would feel brokenhearted and extremely hopeless and sad. I just want our relationship to advance and to not argue every single day over the phone and to not stress out every single time he leaves his house, sees his friends, goes to school, etc.
I know he loves me and I dont doubt that and he has done a lot for me but I think I love him much more than he loves me and I am willing to sacrifice a lot more than he would for me although he vehemently disagrees that I love him more than he loves me Is this relationship worth it? The biggest relationship problem is the woman you are working for. She wants to keep this relationship ugly. That's her relationship style. The tears and the pain you feel so often can only be resolved by quitting this job.
Yes, it will be a very painful breakup with the horses. But it's better to go through that. At least you'll be in charge. I've had horses, and yes, they are like dogs that one gets attached to. But I still suggest you move on with your life. I have a relationship of a different kind but I feel like you are the right person to give me advice on this and it is still fitting for the test.
I've been caring for a horse his name is champ for the past 5 years that is now very old and sick. We trust each other a lot and we know each other very well. I love him with all my heart but sometimes I am scared that I've just convinced myself that I love him that much because i am afraid of change. I don't get a lot out of this relationship because i cannot do anything with him anymore because of his arthritis.
We only go on walks together that usually have some very short moments of enjoyment for me, tho. I do not believe that he owes me anything or that I should want anything more from him at this point than just his company. His owner is very abusive towards me. One day she showers me with love, the next day she gets very angry with me for small mistakes. She has people spy on me regularly that report back to her exactly what I've done and when I've done it while I'm at the stable and she has the ability to watch me through cameras that are set up at the arena.
Whenever I'm at the stable I cry several times and this has been normal for at least years now. I don't enjoy anything about being there besides some very short and fleeting moments with champ. But i also know that the owner will never EVER let me see champ again if i quit or even just change anything about our arrangement.
I will probably move away early next year and if i stay in this arrangement tis then i could probably still visit him but i think the mental breakdowns that i have every time I'm there twice a week might not be worth it. Do you think it is worth staying in this relationship? Do you think I really love champ? Is it worth putting up with all of this? You are having the typical problems teenagers have as they move into adulthood. This is a confusing time for a lot of young adults. As I see it, your number one priority is the study of neurology and neuroscience.
I've done this, and I could not do both having a stormy relationship that interrupted my thoughts and do neurological studies at the same time. Therefore, you would not be an "asshole" for ignoring this young man. Your second priority is establishing a social support group. If it is possible, find people in your classes to work with on problems together.
I have been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for 2 months now and things have been very unstable. I met him at my high school during the first days of June. We flirted with each other for weeks before beginning to date, but then I graduated. I went off to New York to study neurology and neuroscience while my boyfriend stayed in California.
I also recently turned 18 while my boyfriend is going to turn 16 in 4 months. Before leaving, I asked him if we wanted to be in a relationship, despite having to go off to college in New York.
He said yes and I agreed to endeavor in our experiment. I noticed that while I spent my final days in high school, I found myself being perpetually annoyed by his persistent lack of focus and constant mental fixation on a video game we both played.
The only thing he wanted to talk about was leveling up in this video game while I wanted to talk about more deeper, philosophical conversations. This made me feel that we were incompatible despite respecting and loving each other through the long distance process. When we spent time together in school, we would be funny and joke around. I feel that he never got to see the more relevant side of me that is more focused on reality and questioning the world.
This largely differs from his perspective that I'm a socialite who keeps things simple. I'm pretty complicated and like complexity in things I do. I found myself getting bored of our conversations during the summer long distance because all he wanted to talk about was the video game. When I wanted to discuss my day or other things I was interested in, he would largely seem uninterested. I recently discovered he's interested in science and can talk hours on that, but he suppressed this interest to fit in with his friends.
Aside from talking science, it frustrates me when he doesn't pay attention and at times can be really immature.
I could be trying to explain something to him when he goes off on a tangent, completely forgetting what I was saying. I am medicated as he is too, but we both have our moments when we get moody and can't control what we say or do. In large part, my frustrations came about from long distance and not being able to see him.
It felt so much more exhilarating to talk to him in person than over the phone where things are lost in translation.
I took the quiz and nearly got a perfect score subtracting the sex questions out, though. In short, I feel lost because I know the things that annoy me about him are related to his age and disorder, but I don't want to be an asshole and leave because I can't handle them. Also, I want to be able to communicate about other things, but it's a lot harder for him to focus on the phone and therefore I get angry.
What do I do? You are relying on a decision you made at Sometimes it takes 5 or more years to feel like an adult. He has no interest in growing up. This leaves you emotional and sad. But you want to break out of this teenage relationship and explore all the possibilities! Mothering is all he wants from you. Be honest with yourself, you really are tired of this whole thing. This stage of life brings new questions. You need to make a list of what you want to achieve in college.
Are you studying the right things? Or is it time to find a more fitting major? Now is the time to discover who you are and work on your goals. But all young adults are facing the same thing. I am currently 18 and my boyfriend is But now that we are in college and work together and are majoring in the same major, I feel so emotional and sad.
I keep feeling as if I am always there to push him to always want him reach his goals to want him to succeed to make him happy. I have to wake him up for work I have to pick him up to go to school. I feel like a parent rather than his girlfriend. I get to work late due to the fact that he really doesn't care much for being early to work when in fact I do.
I just feel like there is so much for me to do, to experience with my life and being with him holds me back so much. I love him! I just I feel like if I leave I won't ever find someone like him again. I just feel like I am depending to much on him to be happy and to succeed.
I don't know why im feeling like this. I held discussion groups about romance with young adults. Once I asked why I hadn't heard the word "commitment" so far in our 90 minutes of discussing it. One participant yelped back, "Commitment to what? Waiting 5 years for my boyfriend to grow up?
That's where you are at. Why waste 5 years trying to change yourself to accommodate your partner? Plus, people go through changes when starting college. It often gets a person to face some hard realities. Your hard realities include stop trying to change yourself to accommodate your partner. That's all wrong. It shows you two are not compatible. It's time to look at your future at college. Will your degree lead to a job? Will you need a masters degree? And a bunch of other things. Call it quits with your non compatible partner.
Go forth without this relationship distorting your thinking about who your are. Set yourself free. I scored quite high on the test, but im still very uncertain. We've been having a rough time lately. I used to think we will move in together, I imagined my life with him.
He's 23 and I'm My problem is that he still lives at home, and it doesnt look like he's going to move out yet. He could have done it multiple times, but always found something that was more important. Also, I can't think of him as a manly man, usually I'm in charge in the relationship. I really loved and adored him before all of this, I don't know what have changed It's like the certainty have gone. Altough, I'm not perfect either. True, he is not very independent, manly, he can be very stubborn and hard to put up with.
But I can be very critical and agressive. There was a time when I hit him as well. We had serious problems with sex, and he didnt want it as much as I am. He sometimes turn me down even halfway.
I felt ashamed, and cried a lot. I really regretted everything I've done wrong, I changed so much thanks to him, and my efforts, but we seem to run the same cycles over and over again. I try my best to make things right altough I don't have much faith in this recently. The arguments, lack of passion and effort It seems everything falls apart. Im going to college this September, and we won't have as much time together aswe used to have. Could you please give me some advice on what do to?
You're tired to being with a romantic partner who does not love you. You are also tired of playing the role of the perfect partner.
Do not wait any longer. Get out. Some day you'll get over your anger about his not loving you. Get single and someone will come your way. Remember, a man must be able to look you in the eye and discus his feelings or he is not the right person to start a new relationship with.
Hello A, stop overthinking this. You are lucky. You can watch her grow and be proud of her when she does. Just be careful you don't slip into jealousy as she changes and your relationship changes over time. Remember also that you have more growing up to do too. I scored very high on this test, but I still have questions about my relationship. Both of us are kind, empathetic, respectful and caring towards other people and each other.
I'm 31 and she's We both are in nontraditional fields--I'm a musician and she is a ballet dancer. She's very smart, driven, and passionate. She does have quite a bit of life experience having already travelled to other countries and worked as a professional dancer. However, sometimes I feel that she's quite insecure about herself and that our age dynamic might perpetuate that. She is still immature in some ways, though I think she's self-aware enough to know that.
I know that she will blossom into an amazing person, but sometimes I feel that she might need to do some of this discover some things about herself on her own.
I sometimes also wonder if I was with someone closer to my own age would give me more perspective about life, etc. But at the same time I know that she will grow in great ways and I don't want to lose her for that reason. We are very happy when we're together the vast majority of the time, but when we're apart I sometimes worry about how right the relationship is.
While I scored quite high, couldn't fault our relationship, people around think we are a perfect couple. Though, we are going through a breakup now. We've been in a relationship almost three years, but he cannot say he loves me, avoids any conversation about feelings, our relationship or the future. If there is no love, what is the point of relationship? To wait another three years in hopes he will love me? Confused, your partner isn't interested in marriage.
And it sounds like you're not happy with your this situation. Time spent together should have some joyful moments. It doesn't matter how many years a person has put into a relationship. Sometimes we just have to let it go when we're not happy. You and he argue and he thinks he's always right. This singles out a non compatibility issue.
Don't be afraid about being single at Many do it and it brings some new things and enjoyment, as well as emotional growth. I have been in a relationship coming up on 12 yrs. He has been previously married and I have not. We both turned 50 this yr. I planned for a year to go on vacation for our 10 yr.
Well it was a disaster. He brought a second hand ring but never gave it to me. He lamely put it under a napkin at dinner the day after we got back and no real effort into it. We had set a date of Nov this year however he never talks about it so I didn't go through with save the date invites.
The conversation came up about going on vacation to Vegas or somewhere to tie the knot this year but I feel he doesn't really want to. I feel its out of obligation.
I don't know what to do. When I try to talk to him he's very defensive and I always end up being in the wrong. We do have love and desire for eachother but we have not really progressed financially or emotionally over the course of 10 yrs. We have a good routine down, but don't do alot socially together. We hardly ever laugh, he doesn't really have a good sense of humor and takes everything literally. I guess I have already answered my own question.
It appears that you need to start looking for a new arrangement. Contact me if you'd like to discuss it. The contact button is in the left hand corner at the top of this article. Correspond with me directly by using the Contact Author button at the left hand corner at the top of this article. It's right next to my picture. How can I chat with u privately? My story is like no other n right now I need some advice from a person who is not my friend.
Fy-Married 11y-boyfriend 3y- short sum n must make a decision in two days time is of the essence. Plz help You must muster your courage, lose your fears, and find a support group to get you through these sad times. You need female friends to say "yes" to the changes you might envision. Stop worrying about finding another mate. I know a woman who was restricted to an electric wheelchair. She found a wonderful, kind loving man.
They were married and are happy together. Stop worrying about what your families will think when you leave this man.
Let's face it: He doesn't care about you anymore. And you tried your best. No person should have to put up with a partner who gets angry all the time. You've given all you got now it's time to focus your energies on yourself..
Your immediate need is to move out or tell him it's time for him to leave. He probably won't understand. He just doesn't get this. This article is exactly what I needed at the moment and this couldn't be more relatable. I scored 16 but most of it were related to my thoughts about my partner and our relationship.
We are together for 5 years but the last two have been very different. He just changed to the point that I have few to no recollection of who he was when I first met him. Despite these changes, I tried to cope up and continued to do my best to keep it together. I would relive the same arrangement from our past unforgettable dates to the next ones, I would ask him out to his favorite restaurant every now and then, I would surprise him with simple little things but I just couldn't see any results.
He would distant himself and would say that these kind of stuff are more of a "new lovers" thing and are not appropriate for us - which I don't agree. These simple things are often overlooked but usually make a difference in the long run. Before reading your article, I listed down the reasons why I should leave him and I'm surprised that the list just goes on and on; he doesn't trusts me with his personal struggles, he wouldn't sleep with me for months, he shows no interest when I bring marriage and kids into the discussion, he gets angry for the simplest things and won't talk to me for days, and I can barely feel his excitement anymore of being with me at the end of the day.
For fairness' sake, I also tried to list down the reasons why not and I only came up with two; one being the length of our relationship and the good memories we've had and the other is our familiarity with each other's family. With what I shared so far, I guess it is pretty obvious that I should get going but I am really scared about the gravity of pain I would surely get once I lose him.
I also fear not finding someone else ever again. I am the kind of person who can and is willing to endure as much pain and sacrifice for the one I love but at the same time, I do acknowledge the fact that everything has an ending, good or bad. Your thoughts on this will be highly appreciated. I was not notified about your post like what usually happens automatically. Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. Being in-love is selecting one person to be with. This is a instinctual reaction.
The in-love obsessive phase passes in about 3 to 6 months. You're not in-love with this person. Rather you probably have either feelings of friendship where you treat each other as good friends.
Or you feel like family. Or maybe you do not. You have to live in the present. Right now you feel ambivalent. That may never go away. You need to back off and slow down. Do not make decisions on a whim. This is someone you care about, true.
But if you're feeling ambivalent this is no time to try and move the relationship forward and deeper. Thanks for the great article. I score high with my bf of one year , but I'm concerned that the reason is more because we are both caring, mature, well-adjusted adults rather than the strength of our love for each other, and it's really hard for me to know whether to stay together.
I haven't had that stage of falling in love with him I have with a couple exes , but I do think we are compatible and we do love each other. I'm worried that I will always have these feelings of ambivalence and feel like I 'missed out' on falling in love with my life partner if we move forward together. What should I do? If I break up with him I might miss out on a life with an amazing person, but if I stay with him I feel like I might be plagued with these doubts and uncertainties for the rest of my life.
After being in relationship with him for 3 years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm.
My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all other ones out there.
When someone says constantly that you stress him out, don't feel guilty. You are not responsible for his feelings, he is. If he sulks in his room and skips work, you both need some space, some time apart. I say that for many reasons. He needs to deal with his own depression and you can't help him much on that. When desire and sexuality are gone, romance fades away.
Don't think he is going to suddenly come around. Where his head is at it would take a long time to change. Maybe it's time for you to get a condo again for yourself.
You need time on your own to figure out what you feel, what your career goals are, what kind of partner you really want. He is not cutting it right now and may never be the man you really want--the husband and caring father. Remember--you cannot change him. So think about what you said, that you have basically given up your life. It's time to be on your own and find your life again. Only then can you think about continuing your relationship with him. I scored 17 which seems right for what I am going through with my bf.
We have been together for 1. Recently we moved in together and I moved across the country to a new job, living in a huge house and having room-mates coming from owning my own condo living alone and basically giving up my life. Over and over I have tried to communicate that I need more intimate time together and we came up with a compromise and it once again was not happening.
Along with this I decided after many complaints and discomfort that I could not deal with having roommates and I told him I was going to move out if we didn't get rid of them. He said that we could live alone and I felt excited. Recently he got a terrible cold and our basement flooded at the same time and now needs total reconstruction. He decided to start sleeping in another room we also struggle to sleep together being both light sleepers which is a whole other issue.
My advice was to stop committing to so much and that he brings these issues on himself when he could easily simplify his life in many ways. Not the flooding, but he seems to ALWAYS have something on the go making him too busy to be affectionate or really stressed out.
On the weekend I felt really frustrated and very upset and drank A LOT of wine and was very drunk not the first time. The next day I regretted the entire thing feeling totally guilty and horrible. I got very defensive during that fight and only slightly believe some of the things I said. After a long conversation we decided to take some space and he has been sleeping in a separate room and missing days of work, playing video games and clearly quite depressed.
I am now after everything taking most of the blame. I am trying to lighten things up, move forward but he just stays in this room most of the time depressed. I am so confused as to what to do so I am just leaving him alone to sulk in his man-cave. Is this a recipe for disaster and should I be leaving him or do I continue to work on making things better? It should be exciting moving in together, help! Yes you should feel confused, sad, grief stricken, hurt, and angry.
And that's no fun because you never know when he's going to break down again. You have to understand your boyfriend has a serious mental illness. Better communication between you and him is not going to make your problems go away.
If I was you, I would break it off for a set period of time. That would give you some space to feel the freedom to work on your own issues and see what life is like without this madness. I know you don't want to hear that but you need a break from this craziness. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to understand that the stressors in your relationship all relate to him. I say this knowing that you cannot help him straighten his life out.
He needs a psychiatrist. Medications and talk therapy with a psychologist go hand in hand some times. My concern is with you. You really need a break for this madness. It has you all stressed out and your relationship is not going to be fulfilling until you both are more relaxed. Thank you for this great article, I'm currently going through a tough patch in my relationship and it really helped give some perspective.
However, I'm still feeling confused and would really like your thoughts on what I'm going through. I've been with my boyfriend for about 18 months. We score high on your questionnaire.
However, the past 6 months have been really rough, and it started when my partner graduated from medical school and started working. Work has been really really tough for him with long hours and overnight shifts. One month into his job, he was diagnosed with MDD with symptoms of anxiety. He could hardly bring himself to go to work and he often felt like quitting. He eventually took a three month break, during which he got better, but when he resumed his work again things just starting deteriorating.
He's been seeing a psychologist very regularly, and while he's trying to change, progress is slow and sometimes it seems like we're back to square one.
I feel like his troubles with work has really affected our relationship, because it has been a large source of unhappines in my life. People around me tell me that it's because I love him that I hurt so much to see him struggle, but the hurt is real and intense for me. Perhaps it is also because of my perspectives of his troubles.
I view them as a symptom of poor stress management and low resiliency in the face of adversity because his mom tells me he struggled similarly in a previous episode before he met me, and also because many people go through the first few years of being a doctor without struggling as much. With this perspective, sometimes I really worry about our future and how he might react to future stresses. Which only adds to my grief and confusion over whether I should stay in this relationship. In addition, we very recently argued over a small matter.
I left the house to get some space, but I made the mistake of not telling him I was leaving. He saw it as a rejection and he started to feel like he could never make me happy I'm not very sure what exactly he was feeling, but this is my idea. He is physically fine right now, but yesterday he suggested taking a break from our relationship. He felt like he couldn't deal with the stress of our relationship in addition to his work.
From my side, I actually don't agree with this point. I feel like the troubles in our relationship are very solvable with good communication, but I wanted to respect his choice so I agreed to the break. You could also write a list of all the ways in which the relationship feels different to how it used to: this can help you understand what the problem actually is, which in turn may help you understand what has caused it.
Relationships naturally go through lots of changes and transitions such as moving in together, getting married, having a baby, moving house, taking on a new job or losing a job.
These changes can create challenges. Sometimes the changes are less momentous but equally difficult. We can all be guilty of putting less energy into our relationships, of nurturing them less, and this can take its toll. Familiarity can, in these circumstances, leave space for less positive behaviours and thoughts to creep in.
Whatever you do decide, remember that the decision about whether or not to continue with your relationship is one you and your partner should make. It can be truly harmful to the children who are much better at picking up on tensions than we might think. Look at it this way: your relationship is going to be one of the key models by which they conduct the relationships in their own lives.
Likewise, you may be feeling a lot of pressure to stay together because of family or religious pressure. When you start a relationship, you might have a lot of dreams for where it could go, and these tend to get bigger as time goes by. If not, you could be denying your needs.
Bringing out the best in each other means being your authentic selves. If you find yourself hiding what's really on your mind, changing who you are, or acting in different ways than you would with your best friends and family, the relationship could be wrong for you.
Your S. When you think about your future together, do your life goals align? Children, career aspirations, where you want to live, and even devotion to friends or family are common expectations that couples disagree on. While it's normal to go through lulls in relationships, you'll need to determine if this period is temporary or if you want different things long-term.
She recommends imagining how your life would be different if your partner wasn't a part of it: Would your plans change drastically, or are your futures similar? If you want children one day and he or she doesn't, this major difference in your priorities can lead to heartache down the road. While it's tough to break up with someone you love, you owe it to yourself to find someone who wants the same things to make your relationship fulfilling and long-lasting.
Another key indicator that it's time to break up has to do with relationship red flags. Your partner may act in certain ways that concern you, but for one reason or another, you ignore it.
That's all fine and well if you're just annoyed when he doesn't do his chores, but it becomes a problem when you're overlooking toxic behaviors. Be aware if your S. When you're experiencing these behaviors, the alarm bells go off. When you first started dating, did your heart flutter when you saw him? Or were you just happy to find a companion?
It's important to be honest with yourself: There's no one here to judge but you. Many people are afraid of being single, or low self-esteem makes them feel like they can't do better.
You might even worry that you're running out of time to find someone. But in the end, life is full of ups and downs. You can find the right relationship at any time in your life; it just won't happen when you're focusing on someone else. If you're with him for the wrong reasons, you owe it to your partner and yourself to respectfully break up. You deserve to be with the partner of your dreams. Whatever the reasons you're feeling unhappy with your significant other, it's important to consider your own best interest.
If you do decide to break up, be understanding and kind.
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